As a middle child, I grew up constantly yearning for validation and praise from my parents. Their attention was often divided between me and my two brothers. When I became a parent, I vowed to give my daughter my full attention so she would never feel like she was missing out on my approval.
This led me to over-praise, often saying “good job!” for everything she did—from her first milestones to the simplest daily tasks.
The Turning Point
My turning point came when I read The Montessori Toddler by Simone Davies, which was introduced to me by a friend. It made me rethink the purpose of praise. Montessori philosophy encourages us to focus on the process of learning rather than the outcome. I realized I was unintentionally shaping my daughter's mindset by overusing vague praise, which could lead her to seek external validation rather than internal satisfaction from her own accomplishments.
This reflection prompted me to change my approach to parenting and praise. The book highlighted how critical it is to nurture a child’s intrinsic motivation, allowing them to develop independence and a sense of self-worth not tied to external approval.
Why Montessori Rejects Praise: The Science Behind It
Montessori education emphasizes fostering a child's independence, self-discipline, and love for learning, and one of the key ways it achieves this is by minimizing praise. According to Dr. Maria Montessori, “Praise, help, or even a look, may be enough to interrupt a child, or destroy the activity” (Montessori, The Absorbent Mind). In the Montessori approach, unnecessary praise can disrupt a child's concentration, signaling that external approval is more important than their internal experience.
Intrinsic vs. Extrinsic Motivation
Research supports Montessori’s insights. Studies show that over-praising children can decrease intrinsic motivation and make them overly reliant on external rewards to complete tasks (Deci & Ryan, 1985). Instead of feeling proud of their effort or learning experience, children come to expect praise, which can result in lower motivation when praise is absent.
Changing My Praising Habits
I made up my mind: I had to stop saying "good job!" so frequently and shift to more meaningful acknowledgment of my daughter’s efforts. I also became mindful of how I framed feedback, ensuring it reflected her process, creativity, or persistence rather than simply praising her intelligence.
- Describe Effort, Not Ability: Instead of saying “You’re so smart!” I now comment on the effort: “I see you worked really hard to figure that out.”
- Observe Without Intervening: I learned to step back and observe quietly. As Montessori emphasized, "As soon as concentration has begun, act as if the child does not exist". This allows the child to fully engage in their activity, developing deep focus and self-satisfaction from completing a task.
Why Acknowledgment & Feedback Matter
1. Encourages Intrinsic Motivation
By acknowledging effort, we help children develop a love of learning for its own sake. Montessori educators avoid constant praise to help children become motivated by the satisfaction of mastering a task or overcoming a challenge, rather than by approval from others (Lillard, 2017). When I stopped showering my daughter with praise, I noticed that she began working more independently, showing pride in her accomplishments without looking to me for validation.
2. Fosters a Growth Mindset
Stanford psychologist Carol Dweck’s growth mindset theory echoes Montessori principles. Children praised for their intelligence tend to develop a fixed mindset, avoiding challenges to protect their sense of being “smart.” On the other hand, children who are recognized for their effort and persistence develop a growth mindset, viewing challenges as opportunities to learn and grow (Dweck, 2006).
3. Values the Process Over the Product
When we focus on effort, children learn to value the process of learning, not just the final outcome. This mirrors the Montessori belief that the journey is more important than the destination. In everyday life, this could mean praising your child for their thoughtful steps in solving a problem or their patience while building a block tower rather than just the finished tower.
How to Give Feedback Instead of Praise
Here are some Montessori-inspired strategies for giving meaningful feedback:
1. Describe What You See
Provide factual, specific comments that focus on the child’s actions without judgment or evaluation.
- Example: “You put on your shoes all by yourself!”
This encourages independence and helps children focus on the effort they’ve made.
2. Acknowledge the Process
Recognize the effort and perseverance your child demonstrates.
- Example: “I see you’ve been working on that puzzle for a while, you really kept trying until you found where that piece fits.”
This helps children understand that perseverance is valuable and not tied to the result.
3. Express Your Feelings
It’s okay to share your emotions, but focus on how your child’s actions affect you rather than offering general praise.
- Example: “I love how you helped clean up the toys, thank you for being so helpful!”
4. Practice Patience
Give your child the space to work without interrupting. Montessori believed that children need uninterrupted time to concentrate, and too much intervention can disrupt their flow. Allow them to reach solutions independently.
Final Thoughts: Montessori and Meaningful Parenting
As I continue on my Montessori-inspired parenting journey, I have found that removing empty praise has strengthened my relationship with my daughter. She is growing into an independent, motivated learner who takes pride in her own accomplishments. As Montessori teaches us, the goal is not to raise children who constantly seek approval but to nurture confident, self-reliant individuals who are deeply curious about the world around them.
By making this shift in how we respond to our children's efforts, we are fostering a love of learning, resilience in the face of challenges, and a deeper sense of satisfaction in their personal growth.
References:
- Dweck, C. S. (2006). Mindset: The New Psychology of Success. Random House.
- Deci, E. L., & Ryan, R. M. (1985). Intrinsic Motivation and Self-Determination in Human Behavior. Plenum.
- Lillard, A. S. (2017). Montessori: The Science Behind the Genius. Oxford University Press.
- Montessori, M. (1995). The Absorbent Mind. Clio Press.
