We are now parents!
And it’s a whole new world, one that revolves around our precious baby boy, Asher.
I don’t even know where to begin as my thoughts fumble all over the place in search for the right words to express how I’m feeling right now and about everything that has happened. It took a while for it to sink in and I find myself loving this little precious human being with such vigor, it surprises me a little.
I want to do so many things like write about his delivery and take so many photos of him but right now, my top priority is make sure he has enough to feed on.
Just caught some sleep (about 3 hours) and recalling all the advice that everyone gave me which I tried so hard to ignore like, “You better rest and enjoy now while he’s still inside you. Once he’s out, you’ll get no rest and there’ll be a lot of sleepless nights.”
What if moms actually look forward to those sleepless nights because it brings us much closer to our babies?
Before I get into all of that, I’m gonna try and start at the beginning. Like my wedding day, I don’t wanna forget or miss a thing (though I’m going to give myself all but 10 minutes to update this space because I need to go be a mom)... so on Monday, we checked into the hospital after midnight. Just to recap, my gynae already told me: 1) You are 3-4cm dilated 2) Your contractions are 4 minutes apart
Initially I had the decision to choose his birthdate because we didn’t know about the contractions yet and I was thinking so hard if I should just carry him to his absolute full term, meaning 28 June 2018. After what she told me, I didn’t really have much of a choice/option and she didn’t want me to go to the hospital in a panicked state, so Roy decided we should just enter the hospital that night.
I couldn’t really pinpoint how I felt that day. Calm? Disbelief that it was finally happening? Knowing for sure that we’ll be seeing Asher so very soon and carrying him in our arms?
That evening, Roy came home in huge smiles. He couldn’t stop smiling and he declared he’ll be with me throughout cause he’s already applied leave the moment he received news from me. We had dinner like usual, I had my bath and a second meal in case it took longer than expected and I got hungry, Roy moved quickly around our home packing more things. We even had time to catch a cartoon movie to relax me further. Oh my MIL popped over just to spend some time with us!
My dad drove us to the hospital just before midnight to do the paperwork and were brought to the delivery ward which didn’t look like a delivery ward 😅 It was really comforting that it didn’t look like one actually. There was an armchair for Roy and a bed for me.
Oh I must describe how I was brought up, IN A WHEELCHAIR LOL even though nothing was happening to me at all 😂 I asked if I could skip it but they said, “There was once a lady who said nothing was happening but on the way up everything happened. So let’s not take any chances...”
“Okay”, I replied. Awkwardly stumbling into the wheelchair. It felt more uncomfortable being in the wheelchair than knowing I was going to push a baby out, but later of course I knew I was wrong.
Back to the delivery room, I was so happy that Asher was coming out because the bump had grown so big and it was exciting to think of fitting back into my old clothes again and I was starting to get curious about how he would look... you know, random thoughts.
So they wasted no time getting me to change into the hospital gown! I didn’t even really have a lot of time to soak everything in, my surroundings, take a photo 😂 omg still thinking of taking photos, no shame in that 😝 then they started timing my contractions and Asher’s heartbeat.
Guess what? My contractions were 10 minutes apart and not very regular 😒 my gynae said it might be escalated because of that morning’s results but no, I didn’t come out in 2 hours like my mom did at all, no such luck!
They started me on the drip which increases the frequency of contractions, making it more regular, but it’s different for everyone. So there are two conditions to fulfill before you can start pushing your baby out.
1) regular contractions every 2 minutes 2) a 10cm dilation
Some never reach dilation requirements even though they have regular contractions which is horrible 😭 while others do. So it’s not a sure thing.
So every 30 minutes to an hour, they’ll check on my progress before increasing the dosage, which means increasing the frequency of those mind-blowing-out-of-this-world contractions.
For the first two adjustments, I was able to tell myself to breathe and ride them out as me. By the third adjustment, I lost my mind 😭
Still smiling because contractions not at its peak yet 😂 I was actually one of those moms-to-be who wanted to have my brows touched up and my lashes done but Roy talked me out of it, and I’m glad he did. When you’re in pain, you’ll want to be in your most natural and comfortable state because nothing else really matters omg and when I say that, it’s from personal experience.
In previous entries, I mentioned how afraid I was of the epidural needle and all it’s side effects even though many have said they couldn’t feel the needle cause they were curled into a ball — but I just cannot get over my mental phobia of a needle going into my spine and so,
I went without epidural.
There are many, many reasons why I came to this decision, and these are my own personal reasons but it’s not like I didn’t regret not taking it during the course of labour. I mean, so many times I wanted to just faint and hope it’ll be over when I wake up. Yet the pain was just a notch before I knocked out. I rested as much as I could between each contraction, and yes, I had to remind myself to relax my body muscles!
Every time a wave comes, my body tenses up like crazy and sometimes I forget to relax after that fearing I am still in pain.
I grabbed whatever I could around me but no, I didn’t hurt my husband. He watched me, at a loss of what to do because I didn’t want anything touching me. I was convulsing in pain and no one could do anything to bring down the pain at this point.
Laughing gas did not work for me.
It just made my throat dry.
My own reasons for not taking epidural — a huge no thanks to continuous vomiting or shivering after delivering my baby, I didn’t want to risk doubling my pain (needle pain, and the pain I’ll have to deal with after that like backaches for a lifetime...)
I told myself that women are born to be able to deliver a child without assistance — look at all our moms! So I should be able to do it too. Plus the recovery time is shorter and there’ll be no side effects after.
I also kept those good advices that people gave me, like how everything would be worth it once he was born. To be honest, I was quite apprehensive about what they said but I have no doubt about it now 😂
The contractions were literally killing me, and I couldn’t help but say things like, “Save me! Get him out of me, please I beg you, I can’t take this anymore...” which made my husband feel so terrible because there was literally nothing he could do except watch the pain wash over me again and again, feeling completely useless 😭 but I was writhing in pain so I couldn’t control myself either...
I held onto the sides of the bed for my dear life. It was like almost dying and being brought back to life, over and over again for 10 hours, okay it didn’t hurt so much at the beginning, maybe 6 hours of torture? I kept wondering why I was being tortured at the back of my head, it was quite funny now that I think about it but I didn’t laugh then.
I didn’t know what to do when the pain came. I literally was a mess. We use the same channel to pee, shit and give birth so I was peeing (wondering if it was my water bag that burst), thank God I didn’t shit, and it felt like Asher was coming out but he was no where close.
When my gynae came in the morning, she said, “You really don’t wanna take epidural? This is your last chance because you can’t take it anymore after this. It’s gonna hurt.”
LOL thanks for the encouragement!
She continued, “He’s coming soon, very soon, about 1-2 hours more.”
Oh when one of the nurses first placed their hands inside me to check for dilation, I cried because it hurt so bad with the contractions kicking in. I cried until I was wheezing then the nurse said that if I keep crying, it’ll distress the baby. Woa, they really know what to say because I didn’t cry anymore after that, even though they stuck their hands down there, what felt like a million times.
Leveled up, didn’t I?
I was finally 9.5cm dilated and with the contractions, I had hit 10cm and a head nurse came in to help prep me for delivery by teaching me how to ride on the peak of the contractions to push.
I’ve never had constipation so omg it was difficult for me to know how to push shit out. Shiting has always been a 2 second task for me, I literally pee longer than I shit. So at first I was pushing all wrong. With all my strength, I held my breath and I thought I pushed but it was stuck at my neck and my face turned red. To make it worse, sometimes I yelled/shouted which wasted energy.
Every time she said next one, my heart fell. I couldn’t take another wave, or so I thought. I took about 59 more? Lol.
I finally got the pushing right, because my husband said, “Dear remember how I thought you to train your abs, yes, focus there.” And omg did it work like magic because Asher finally started crowning and everyone in the room was gushing about how much hair Asher had! Even Roy was getting so excited because it was something different from watching me suffer!
Of course, not before they made a call to drain my pee by sticking a tube/catheter up my hole, that’s another kind of pain altogether but of course, contractions is the mother of all pains.
Because I was so tired from all the screaming, shouting and yelling, one of the nurses said I could have assisted delivery if I was too tired to push. I’ve seen it on my friend’s baby delivered with a marking on his face, near his eye, made by a pair of forceps and another one with a cone shaped head when he was vacuumed out, so I think I yelled back, “No assist, I’ll push.”
It was quite disheartening because I felt like I pushed so hard but they kept saying, “Harder! Harder! Harder!” How hard more did I have to push exactly? I was so tired! And in so much pain... 😢
Plus with all the pain came confusion. Like they told me to catch my breath then push again within the same contraction. Instead of letting out my air to get a full breath of air, I let out half and pushed again which didn’t work. Lol. And sometimes I yelled.
I remember yelling for no reason because a nurse was cleaning me... and she said sternly, “Mommy look down, I’m not doing anything but cleaning you.” I whimpered because I couldn’t tell what didn’t hurt anymore.
But no time to feel embarrassed as I continued to writhe in pain:
My gynae finally appeared and told me, “Denise you are doing well and you’re so brave. He’s almost out! You can do it!”
Then she stuck her hand in 😂
“Okay push!” Repeat about 3 contractions and...
He was out!
His cries filled the air and Roy was told to go over to count his toes and fingers, soon he was back by my side though because you’d think it was over but no.
My gynae started pressing my stomach area and what felt like fishes came sliding out 😂 no it was my placenta and some blood clots. It was a bloody scene, almost like a murder scene haha. Roy watched it all. I haven’t let him describe to me what happened, my eyes was closed throughout.
She then started sewing me up, not before injecting me with LA.
It hurt. It hurt. It hurt. One thing about contractions, though it is the mother of all pains, your body doesn’t remember the pain after each and every wave, there’s just no residual pain 🤷🏻♀️ I think if there was, maybe the world wouldn’t be so populated hor?
I kept hissing and ouching while telling myself that if I could survive 10 hours of labour, I could do this. Anyway it’s done now and I’m healing well, what was the big deal again? LOL
Then came the calm after the storm when they put Asher on my body for skin to skin contact. It hadn’t fully sunk in that I pushed a baby out.
When I first heard his cries, I kept repeating, “I can’t believe I pushed a baby out of me.” Like about 3-4 times which made all the nurses laugh at me. Oh Roy cut the umbilical cord and described it as a long white tube that looks nothing like an intestine hahaha!
He really had a head full of hair when he was born and his eyes were wide open. When he lay on me, he was so calm and we just couldn’t stop staring at how perfect he was. We created him together, how on earth did we do it? He looks so much like my husband. Asher literally melted into me or did I melt into him? I really didn’t know and I really didn’t care. I was so tired, so exhausted, so overwhelmed, bursting with happiness but it hasn’t fully sunk into me that he’s all mine. My precious baby.
Then my husband got so busy updating everyone on the phone and receiving a ton of messages, while I couldn’t care less about my phone. I kept asking him to talk to me because I was his wife again, not a monster, but he was smiling as he typed away on his phone. I decided to just cuddle Asher and revel in my new little man. I’m going to be his world!
Now I know and understand my husband’s excitement. As women, we tend to worry a whole lot more, thus slightly killing the excitement. He showed me there was really nothing at all to worry about. How did he know so early on?
After about an hour they took Asher and wrapped him up, got me transfer to another bed to transport me up to my maternity ward. Transferring to the other bed wasn’t a walk in the park.
It was like, OW!
Then they placed Asher beside me and then I was like, “What is pain?” 😂😂
The delivery nurses were such wonderful, wonderful people. They were so patient and kind to me, never once making me feel like they didn’t understand the pain. After all, they are all mothers themselves.
I apologized for being such a tyrant but they said it’s alright and wished me well. One of them even smothered my baby in kisses and hugs, told me to get well soon and it’s gonna be really exciting ahead. I wouldn’t get to see any of them again since I was going to the maternity ward 🙁
Watching my husband handle Asher is like all my dreams coming true. He’s the happiest daddy-to-be (now officially a dad) I’ve ever known ☺️
I really don’t know how we got so lucky...
It’s so important to celebrate every single milestone and to be kind to yourself especially when you’re new to parenthood. Every child is different and what might work for them, doesn’t necessarily mean it’ll work for you. So let’s all hang in there together and do the best we can ♥️
Originally published on dayre.me/denisetaytay
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Hi! I am Yunnie. I am the newly minted mama to a little baby girl and a mum friend to everyone on this special (and many times scary) journey of motherhood. Also a graduated bride with a penchant for weddings.