Valentine's Day used to mean fancy dinners, quiet evenings, and surprises for just the two of us. A memorable celebration for my husband and me was a luxurious Macau hotel staycation that had me sipping champagne every afternoon tea. But after having our children and raising them in the U.S.—across the globe from family in Singapore—Valentine's Day looks dramatically different, and has taken on a very different meaning.
For years when our two children were very little, Valentine's Day felt like any other day, as we lost ourselves in the daily grind of parenthood. It was incredibly hard to take "time off", especially with a breastfeeding baby and toddler. Even if we had wanted to tap the help of our friend network in the U.S., many were with young children themselves. When the pandemic struck, it seemed even more challenging, simply because my children didn't meet our friends enough to feel safe being left in their care.
As a result, we’ve had to figure out how to celebrate special occasions with our plus twos all these years.
Reality of Parenting Without Help
Raising children in a country far from family meant the husband and I were 24/7 with our children, and they followed us to every errand, big and small. We knew we couldn't have private, exclusive Valentine’s Day dates unlike in our younger days, but we still wanted to celebrate our partnership — that has truly weathered storms, dodged curveballs, and worked in the trenches of parenting together.
How We Made It Work
Here are a few things that helped us connect when it felt impossible to celebrate:
- After-Bedtime "Dates"
In the quiet of the night, just a slice of takeout cake, with our favorite show (a movie to catch up on, stand-up comedy to end the night with laughter, or a light-hearted variety show) gave us a chance to enjoy each other's presence. This felt nice as we were too brain drained for any conversations, yet still wanted to be in each other's company.
These "dates" don't last long either - my breastfeeding baby usually cries to be nursed 1.5 hours into sleep. But it was enough to feel comforted by each other's presence.
- Celebrating with the Kids
Some years, we included the children in the fun since it was harder planning something that excluded them. A pricey omakase restaurant (that doesn't seat children) would have to wait.
The husband decided to step into the shoes of a Japanese chef (think pov husband). He ordered a whole fresh salmon from the fishmonger and prepared salmon sashimi and other delicacies. He had been watching tutorials and had the arsenal of kitchen tools ready for crafting the feast. It was a visual treat watching him work.
The children couldn't have raw fish, but they soaked in the whole experience and loved their steamed salmon as well as an unami salmon miso soup.
- Giving Each Other Sleep-In Mornings
One of the simplest but most touching gifts we’ve given each other is simply the chance to sleep in. If I awaken and it looks like the husband could use more time in bed— I’ll take the kids out of the house in the morning so my husband can rest — and he’ll do the same for me the next day. For sleep-deprived parents, this small gesture can feel like a luxury. Research even shows that sleep is one of the most requested gifts among new parents, and it’s easy to see why!
- Practical Effort Gifts
The husband and I don't really have a clearly defined split of housework — whoever has time for housework chores can attend to it first (except taking out the trash, the unspoken rule is that it's done by the husband hahaha.)
The husband finds physical clutter in the house very overwhelming, but finds toy/book/art material cleanup a chore, because he doesn't fully know what goes where (I'm the master of that at home). He truly appreciates it when I make the effort to declutter because he knows how much it takes to keep a house with young children clean and tidy.
Parenthood Comes in Seasons
That’s something I’ve learned over the years: parenthood comes in seasons. When our kids were babies and toddlers, it felt like we’d never have a moment to ourselves again. But now that they’re a little older, we’ve found ways to bring them along for things we enjoy. We’ve taken them to the movies, brought them mini-golfing, and even started including them in hikes we used to do as a couple or vacation in places we wanted to go that might not be totally child-friendly (Alaska!)
I know that as they grow more independent, there will be more opportunities for us to celebrate Valentine’s Day in new ways—and maybe even a chance to reclaim some of those romantic dinners! But for now, I’ve learned to cherish this season for what it is: messy, busy, and full of love in ways I never expected.
Finding Joy in the Chaos
If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that love isn’t about grand gestures. It’s about laughing together while the kids climb all over you, stealing a quick hug in the middle of bedtime chaos, and being partners through it all. It's about learning to live with each other's flaws, finding ways to make things work for each other. Through the years, I discovered that the husband dislikes cooking midway only to find out that we'd run out of certain ingredients — so now I would text him the moment things run out so we can seek to replenish them quickly, without running into rude shocks.
So, if you’re in the same boat—raising little ones without much help—know that you’re not alone. It’s okay if your celebration doesn’t look like everyone else’s. Don't let anyone else dictate how you should celebrate togetherness as a couple.
And if your loved one's love language is words of affirmation, use these words, “I love you, and we’re in this together," so often that it becomes your other's inner voice.
