Toileting is one of the most significant milestones in a child's early years, and every journey is as unique as the child embarking on it.
When it came to my secondborn toddler, I knew that once again following a Montessori approach would be the most respectful, gentle, and effective way to navigate this important step. It’s an approach rooted in trusting the child, respecting their individual pace, and allowing them to lead the way.
Why Montessori Doesn't Call It "Toilet Training"
In Montessori philosophy, the term "toilet training" is rarely used because it implies that the adult is actively teaching or controlling the process. Instead, Montessori refers to it as "toileting," recognizing that this milestone is a natural developmental process rather than something that needs to be trained.
By respecting the child’s ability to master this skill in their own time, we acknowledge their inner capabilities and foster a sense of autonomy.
No Rewards or Punishments – Just Respect and Trust
Montessori does not advocate using rewards or punishments in toileting. This approach is based on the belief that toileting is a personal journey and should be guided by the child's intrinsic motivation, rather than external validation.
Similarly, punishments can lead to feelings of shame or anxiety, which can hinder progress and create negative associations with toileting.
Montessori emphasizes respect, patience, and trust, allowing the child to develop confidence and a sense of responsibility at their own pace.
Letting the Child Take the Lead
In our home, we constantly remind ourselves that every child knows their body best. We don't impose a schedule or attempt to have toileting mastered in a fixed number of days, we trust that our child is in control of their readiness.
No pressure, no rewards, and no punishments. Just mustering up every ounce of patience we possess to support our child.
Creating an Environment of Independence
Montessori principles emphasize the importance of the prepared environment, so our home was set up to encourage toileting independence:
- Access to a clean, dry potty in easily accessible location, ensuring it’s always available when needed.
We fortunately have a little corner in our master bathroom to situate the potty. Some families may wish to install step stools and a potty seat on an existing toilet bowl instead.
This is the potty we're using - Joovy Loo potty chair. It's a comfortable, functional and aesthetic design in white with a sealed inner bowl and a removable bowl with a large splash shield that prevents spills outside the potty. It has a non-slip base, and is BPA, PVC and Phthalate free.
- Underpants that are easy to pull on and off independently, fostering a sense of self-reliance.
My children wear/wore GOTS Certified gender-neutral organic cotton underpants. They're thick, so they hold up some pee and even poop in the event of accidents. At the same time, because they're cotton and can get soaked through, my child is sensorially aware that some pee or poop has gotten through.
- Reading books to empower child to feel capable of mastering this milestone.
Here's a list of bilingual (English & Chinese) books I've used with both my children in their toileting journey: here.
Applying Experience from My Firstborn's Journey
Having gone through this process with my firstborn, we carried forward some learnings as we introduced the potty to my secondborn:
- Bringing the portable potty on car rides and when visiting family or friends' homes if staying for extended hours. This ensured that our toddler had access to a familiar toileting option wherever we went.
- For situations where toilets were inaccessible, such as road trips, we didn’t hesitate to switch back to diapers temporarily. This flexibility kept things stress-free for everyone.
- We would focus on daytime toileting, continuing night diapers until my toddler is finally ready to go through the night without them. Not for age comparison but purely to illustrate timing differences - my firstborn was three and a half five when she consistently graduated from daytime diapers and five years of age before going without night diapers. Every child's toileting readiness is different - follow your child's lead.
Something I didn't have to think about with my firstborn but have to with my second due to gender - once my secondborn becomes comfortable with sitting on a potty, I would ask my husband to bring him to the Gents to familiarise him with a standing urinal. That could provide another option for independent toileting when he's out with my husband, or when we visit family bathrooms with urinal options.
Helpful Tip for Car Rides
One useful tip I learned is to place a sanitary pad or a folded diaper in the potty insert during car rides. This absorbs pee or poop, making it easy to contain and dispose of waste, and keeps the portable potty clean during travel.
Staying Cool During Regressive Behaviors
Having the experience with my firstborn taught me to expect regressive behaviors and to handle them with grace and understanding. After a week-long road trip of wearing diapers, my secondborn toddler refuses to use the potty.
I trust that muscle memory would eventually kick in. Even if there were regressions, we'd never have to start from scratch. We just have to wait till our toddler is adjusted and ready again for the potty.
Handling Accidents with Gentleness and Support
Mistakes are seen as opportunities for learning, and good practice for caregivers to be gentle, supportive, and empathetic.
The child takes away the fact that it's human to make mistakes and mistakes are a natural part of learning. Cleaning up can be a collaborative effort:
- Wiping the floor together with a cloth.
- Using a sanitizing spray on the floor to rid of germs.
- Tossing soiled clothes into the washer.
By involving the child in this process, they felt a sense of responsibility and pride, learning that accidents are simply a part of growing up, not something to be ashamed of.
Honoring Every Child's Pace and Readiness
Every child's needs are different, and it's essential to honor and respect their individual pace and readiness for toileting. Some children might be ready earlier, while others may take a bit longer – and that's perfectly okay.
Each family’s toileting habits and routines are also different, shaped by their unique circumstances and experiences. What matters most is creating an environment of trust, patience, and respect.
