When you’re in the trenches of parenting, especially with a newborn and a toddler, Valentine’s Day often feels like just another day. I remember one year, when I was breastfeeding both my baby and my toddler, someone asked me if we had special plans for Valentine’s Day or if we did regular couple dates. I hesitated before saying, “No, we don’t.” And then I felt it—a tinge of shame and guilt, as if I was failing at being a romantic partner because our lives didn’t include candlelit dinners or grand gestures.
The truth was, we didn’t have childcare help, and we knew our children wouldn’t feel comfortable being cared for by someone else. Our reality was messy, loud, and exhausting, but also filled with love in the simplest of ways. Over time, I’ve realized that Valentine’s Day doesn’t have to fit the mold of what others think it should be. It can look different for everyone, and it’s okay for it to look different for us.
Valentine’s Day in the Trenches
For couples with young children, especially those without childcare support, Valentine’s Day might not be about fancy dinners or romantic getaways. Instead, it can be about the everyday moments that hold us together. Parenthood has a way of stripping life down to the essentials, and in doing so, it highlights the beauty of small, solid acts of love.
For us, Valentine’s Day became about:
Acts of Service: Doing the dishes without being asked, taking the night shift with the baby so the other can sleep, or prepping coffee for the next morning. Gifting each other a sleep-in is the ultimate present for a sleep-deprived parent.
Affirmative Words: A simple “I see you” or “Thank you for everything you do” goes a long way when life feels overwhelming. It's really hard when running on a low tank, but we try to let small things go instead of nitpicking on how our other half could have done something better.
Quiet Moments Together: Sharing a tired smile across the chaos, holding hands while the kids nap, or stealing some moments to watch a favorite show after kids' bedtime (before the first waking).
It’s Okay for Valentine’s Day to Look Different
The beauty of Valentine’s Day is that it can be whatever you want it to be. It’s not about living up to societal expectations but about celebrating your love in ways that are meaningful to you. For some, that might mean a romantic getaway without kids. For others, it could be a messy family breakfast where the kids help make pancakes. Both are valid, and neither is more worthy than the other.
Even for the same couple, Valentine’s Day can look different in different seasons of life. In the early years of parenting, it might be about survival and small gestures. As kids grow older and more independent, it could become an opportunity to revisit the things you loved doing as a couple.
Normalizing the Everyday
If you’re in a season where Valentine’s Day feels like just another day, know that it’s okay. You’re not failing at love or romance. The love you show each other through daily acts of service, patience, and partnership matters. It’s in the tired hugs, the tightened hand grip during doctor consultations, the look of solidarity during explosive diaper changes, and the teamwork that keeps everything running.
So if someone asks about your Valentine’s Day plans and you don’t have any, that’s okay. Celebrate in the ways that feel right for you. Whether it’s a quick “I love you”, a shared laugh, or simply surviving another day together, it’s all valid. Love, after all, is found in the everyday moments—not just the grand gestures.
A Love That Grows Through Seasons
One day, the season you’re in now will pass. The sleepless nights will fade, the toddler tantrums will subside, the kids will enjoy more what you love to do, and you’ll find more space to celebrate in bigger ways if you want to. But for now, give yourself grace. Valentine’s Day can be about whatever love looks like for you today—even if it’s just collapsing on the couch together after the kids finally fall asleep.
